Well, sorry for the lack of updates. I've been incredibly busy and also just anxious and kind of unwilling to talk about my feelings at all. I haven't lost any more weight, either, which is a disappointment. I will be going home at least a few pounds lighter than I was last time, though it's hardly even important to me anymore. The opera opened on Wednesday and it's gone very well thus far. Unfortunately, my costumes make me look VERY different and my slicked back hair makes me practically unrecognizable so hardly anyone has noticed I was in it haha. Every time I go outside the theater after the show people just look at me like I'm some crazy girl wearing tons of makeup and hairspray. Oi.

I do need to start taking better care of myself, though. Last night I bought a package of gluten-free cookies because I was so desperate for something with wheat in it haha. I ate nearly half the package, then had whiskey and Dr. Pepper after the opera before downing some nachos with a friend. I was considerably tipsy and went to a party but felt so alone and uncomfortable there. I'm just uncomfortable all the time now in social situations. I feel so left out and unwanted.

Things with Jon and I are all but over. No matter what I do, he is unresponsive, uncaring, uninterested. I'm trying really hard to keep things going between us, but I can't be the only one trying! We nearly broke up last semester before fall break because of this same reason but he assured me he'd turn it around and that things would get better. They were for a bit, but I can't handle this anymore. He never calls me, and just as soon as we're starting to have a good conversation via texting or iChat or Skype (which is difficult!), he always suddenly becomes tired or has a headache or just stops talking. What am I supposed to do with that? It's so hard keeping up a long distance relationship, but he can't just expect me to put my feelings and everything on pause while I'm gone and just enjoy our time together at home. I've been here since January 4th and aside from spring break, will be here until May 15th or so. Four and a half months with only one week at home in between. Obviously, he needs to accept our relationship for what it is and help me keep it going instead of just expecting me to do all the work. I'm tired of it. I keep trying to talk to him about it, and he keeps insisting that we don't have any problems. It's ridiculous. I guess we'll just see what happens when I go home. I'm going to try to not be weak and just give into everything he says. I need to stand up for myself for once and do what's right for me.

The icing on the cake would have to be my feelings for Alex, my best guy friend here. Believe me, I make a point to keep a physical distance between us as much as possible, and it hasn't been easy. When he's drunk (which is pretty frequent on the weekends) he is so touchy and adorable. I just feel myself falling a little more for him every day. I can't help it or control it...it's just happening. I would never cheat on Jon, and I don't intend to, but my heart and head are rather confused.

 
Me, Alex, and our friend Ashley in our first operetta, The Gondoliers, together last semester!

Alex (making the least flattering face possible hehe) and I backstage before Roman Fever, the opera we were in in January.

In the green room before The Magic Flute. I look really creepy...he's kind of adorable. :/

Sorry for the rant. I'm off to go pick my housing for next year. I'm so excited, I GOT A SINGLE! Which means I don't have to deal with a roommate for a year. :) And it's in German House! We're encouraged to speak German there, so I'm going to have to brush up on mine. Everyone that lives there now is so nice, and it's a really beautiful building. It just got renovated a year ago and the floors have hardwood instead of carpet and the showers are big and well lit instead of dark and tiny like mine haha. Hopefully I get one on the first floor...they're huuuge.

Starting Thursday, I'm doing a fast for as long as I can. It's not really for weight loss purposes, although that will be a benefit. I just need more energy, need to stop eating crap, and need to detox. After that, I'm going to do a light colon cleanse followed by a 60 day intense one this summer. So here's the plan. I will probably eat a little solid food just so I don't die since I'll be really busy this week. The weekends might not be exact...if I go out to eat, though, I'll make sure to just get a drink. Hopefully I can stick to this and get away with eating even less than planned on here...I just want to make sure I have breathing room in case I feel fatigued or exhausted. But I think as long as I drink juice and lots of water, I'll be okay.

Wednesday:
9:30AM- 2 pieces of fruit, water or tea, maybe some juice
12:30PM- Either fruit, soup, or veggies and lots of water or tea
3:30PM- 1 piece of fruit
6:30PM- 1 piece of fruit or soup, juice or tea and water

Thursday:
Throughout the day: 5-10 cups of Yogi Fasting Tea
2:00PM- A smoothie of berries, pineapple, spinach, kale, and orange juice if I'm feeling fatigued/too hungry
6:30PM- Soup (if it's good and not dairy-based) or some veggies/fruit if anything, a glass of juice, lots of water

Friday-Sunday:
Throughout the day: 5-10 cups of Yogi Fasting Tea
12:00PM- Juice, tea, water, etc.
6:00PM- Soup or fruit or veggies

Monday:
Throughout the day: 5-10 cups of Yogi Fasting Tea
12:00PM- Soup and/or juice
6:00PM- Soup and/or juice

Tuesday:
Fasting tea!
2:00PM- Smoothie made of fruit, spinach, juice + maybe some soup
6:00PM- Salad with veggies and lots of vinegar, fruit

Wednesday:
9:00AM- 2 pieces of fruit, maybe some granola w/soymilk
12:30PM- Veggies, fruit, maybe try a piece of bread or something
6:30PM- Back to normal, healthy, vegan foods

My brain is so skewed. Yesterday I ended up eating some snacks and had a beer and a little rum while at a party. My good friend who I've talked about before, Alex, was pretty wasted. He kept trying to dance with me and then eventually we left together because he wanted to get food somewhere and the restaurant was close to my dorm. On the way over he kept telling me I should go back to his room with him and saying how it's inevitable and how eventually he and I will end up together. I know a lot of that only came out because he had been drinking, but a good part of me also knows that it was sincere. I'm pretty confused by it. Obviously, I really love Jon and I would be sooo heartbroken if we broke up. I can't imagine my life without him in it. But Jon and I are also having issues and I'm doubting whether I can put up with them for much longer. I know things will be better during spring break and summer, but I don't think I can handle 3 more years where we spend 70% of our time apart. I still sometimes feel like Jon doesn't accept me for the person that I am. Yes, I'm a little crazy. Yes, I'm emotional. But so what? That's just me. He's always afraid of that. And I fucking hate it but I know there are clothes that I have that I never wear when I'm with him because I know he doesn't like them and there are things I do that I cover up because he wouldn't approve. He rarely takes me out on dates...he claims it's a money issue, but I know he's really just saving his money for himself. I mean...last summer he spent $1200 in computer parts to build a computer, but didn't even take me out to dinner on our anniversary a month later. He's not affectionate anymore, either. I know he's going through a tough time at school, but I keep telling him that just because things are rough back home doesn't mean he can shut me out of his life. I really don't know what to do anymore. He called me yesterday (because I asked him to...not of his own free will) and he sounded like an angry teenager being forced to talk to his grandma instead of a MAN willingly calling his girlfriend of four and a half years. I feel silly being tied down by a boy who is 2200 miles away and not even feeling really satisfied with our relationship. I know I have to wait until spring break and see how things are going, but there are so many things I'm just getting sick of. I'm tired of the arguments we get in in front of our friends, I'm tired of constantly seeking his approval, I'm tired of feeling like I'M the problem. There are so many things good about us. I really love him...I could see us together for a long time. But I can't stand having my life affected by our relationship which is mostly determined by him. I know the distance is hard for him, but he just gives up and expects me to trudge on. For the past two weeks or so it's been miserable...and I still have three weeks until I go home. So what? I have to put up with 5 weeks of misery just because I chose to go to a school so that I can pursue my dream and achieve my goals? I shouldn't have to feel guilty for that. This is the best conservatory in the US for undergrad vocal studies, and I am here, dammit. I wouldn't trade THAT for the world. So why do I have to feel guilty?

I'm just so confused. This same kind of thing happened in October before I went home for Fall Break. I told him I couldn't do it anymore and that I needed to be happy. He begged me for a second chance. I told him I had given him too many chances. I told him I didn't want to be hurt again. He promised it wouldn't happen anymore...he begged me to stay. I did. And things were so much better. But I guess something changed once I came back here in January after being home for Winter Break.

The sad thing is, I know Alex would never judge me or try to change me. He would never begrudge me for trying to pursue my dreams...he's doing the same thing. He accepts my craziness. He would take me out to dinner instead of to Taco Bell. Of course, I would never cheat on Jon, and I would never use Alex as a rebound guy. I'm sure if he and I were to get together, it wouldn't be until waaaay later. But the fact is that I know guys out there exist who would treat me well and make me happy. How much longer until Jon finally turns into that guy? I'm not trying to change him, by any means. Whenever I bring up that I'm unhappy, he promises he'll be better. But here we are, stuck in the same cycle again. Fuck. I don't want to be miserable because of this. I want my boyfriend back, I want my happiness back, I want my sanity back.